guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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