I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
