you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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