This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
