i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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