I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Randomize
