I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
