If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
