I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Sorry my hands just texted you
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
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