I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
