Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
