If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
