I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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