So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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