who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
My ass is underappreciated
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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