I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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