someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I think I died a long time ago.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I stole a fireplace last night.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize