Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
