is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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