The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
