Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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