Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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