What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
