You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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