I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
