So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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