you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
