Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
