i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
