Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
