You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
