Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
