i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
