This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
