Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
