we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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