the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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