The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
from now on my penis is your penis
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
