Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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