life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
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