Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
