Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
