Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
