Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
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