Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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