Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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