I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
