$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
