M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
