my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
where are my eyebrows?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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