Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
