there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
