Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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