Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
