in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
