Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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