I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
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