can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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