Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
