that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
