He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
