I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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