Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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