I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Randomize
