On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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