Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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